Update

I have no fucking clue what I want to do. I know what I want in life, which really doesn't have to do with this blog. It does conflict with the open marriage, however. At the same time, I had a lot of fun on the couple outings I had. Part of me (5%) wants to keep doing it, but that's not very much.

I did think that Bunny and I did kind of put it to the side, without really discussing it. Which really makes no sense, now that I'm reading it. Can't really make a decision without a discussion - especially one like this.

Eh, I have a ton more to say.. I just don't feel like it right now. I think I'm being too "real" to blog properly.

I Expected Weekly Rendezvous

Gosh, it's been awhile since I last posted. Really, the best reason I can give you for my absence is that I haven't done anything relating to our open marriage since seeing Dale. It's funny, I thought Juarez and I would each have weekly rendezvous with friends with benefits and casual sex partners that would somehow just ooze out of the woodwork. It's not turning out that way, though.

I'm not entirely sure how it's going for Juarez, he hasn't mentioned anyone new lately - and I'm not sure if he's still talking to Iris... But for me, it's like this: Someone finds me online (or I find them) and their pictures have me really wanting to meet them, their profile is pretty cool too. Then, they start talking - their desperation becomes all too evident and I lose all interest. This has happened with numerous guys who I probably would have loved to meet, if they hadn't ruined it for themselves (and me).

At this point, I'm only interested in my husband - and Mitch, but who knows if or when I'll see him again. And I don't have a whole lot of faith in OKC. It would be great if meeting people in person wasn't so difficult.

RE: Damaged

I mostly try not to read Bunny's posts - but this post kind of.. I dunno. I really don't know what to think of it.

I don't feel as if Bunny is damaged.. but no matter how well I feel I know her, she knows herself better. I just feel kind of concerned as she is saying this is possibly a serious underlying factor in why she wants to have an open marriage - and I never knew anything of the sort.

Moving on -- I don't want to dwell on things. I feel like I could just as easily be monogamous with Bunny as I could be in an open relationship. Well.. easier, really. As it is still a work-in-progress for me. Just kind of concerning.. I dunno. Whatever.

Dale was a Disappointment

I saw someone a few days ago. Saturday night, after I finished an 8 hour shift at work. My feet were dying. I really didn't even feel like it - but the guy was from Austin, and basically came to San Antonio just to see me. So, I dealt with it.

I think his name was Dale. Dale was a disappointment. I won't go into too much detail, but you should know that he was not very well endowed. After I'd become bored by his deficient attempts to pleasure me, I told him that my husband would be home soon; so I really had to leave. That wasn't quite true, but I felt that - in this situation - it would be nicer to lie than to tell the truth.

It was not a good experience.

So I've made myself a new rule. First meetings must be without expectations. If I am attracted to a person, it'll happen. If not, I have an easy out. 

Why I Love My Wife

Bunny will ask me every-now-and-then, "Why do you love me?" And I'll tell her most of the time, sometimes I just feel kind of lame rehashing the same tired lines I used before, or that are totally cliche -- whatever.

I love my wife for a lot of reasons, but mostly the way she makes me feel... it's incredible. I will try to describe it;

Nothing has every prepared me to feel the way I feel about my wife. Nothing. I haven't read it in literature, seen it in movies, heard it in music. And there are a million and one ways each of those mediums can describe the way love feels. And not that what my description is anything new, it's probably rehashed as well - but it's mine.

She makes me feel like I'm 10 feet tall. That I live in a world that others only hear or read about. A world that is above everybody else - a different planet. I walk down the isles of any store and I know I'm the luckiest motherfucker in the store - because I love and have the love of a beautiful and incredible woman. I would compare it to how it must feel to be a performer, after you've just finished a gig in front of an arena full of people. A small percentage of people ever get to feel that - I feel that only a small percentage of people will ever feel what we feel.

I know it's love because it's so much better than anything I ever heard about.

Okay; now time to tie this into the OM.

I still at times feel a little -- anxious when I know she's out. I try to distract myself from thinking about anything. But I've learned from the last time she was out -- just skip all the dramatics. In an hour or two you're going to be okie-dokie. I also focus on the things that the other guys don't get.

They don't sit in the restroom with her, while she's taking a bath. They don't sit nekkid on the couch and play videogames or watch netflix. They don't get hugs and kisses on demand... not that I demand them, but you know what I mean.

That's it.

I Never Expected This (This title is so misleading, but it was the first thing I could think of)

A couple weeks ago, I started a new job. It's going really well, but that isn't what this blog is about - however, to maintain the valuable element of surprise I'll start from the beginning.

I joined a retail team of 10 employees, of the 10 employees 3 were new hires (myself included). You know enough about me, the other new hires are Krystina and Josh. Krystina is outgoing, funny and cool. She's also married.  The first day, we went to lunch and shoe shopping together. We seem to click, and I feel like we'll quickly become friends. Josh really doesn't add anything to this story, so we'll leave him out of it.

Today, Krystina and I opened the store together. While working, she pointed out an attractive guy. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see his face, but she mentioned him again later - apparently he works in the suite next to ours. I guess she felt like I might assume things, so she let me know that she wasn't unfaithful to her husband. I jokingly responded that I wouldn't tell, and she told me that she and her husband have an arrangement. Obviously, I was curious, so I asked her about it. Krystina and her husband are open!!! I was visibly excited as I told her that Juarez and I had recently opened our marriage. She proceeded to tell me that she and Chris (her husband) have been open since May of this year, and that it's going well.

I never would have expected to find anyone like us, just randomly. Least of all in a tiny staff of 10 employees.

Crazy.

I'm hoping that we'll end up being good friends. I feel that it would be great to have a sort of support system, throughout this whole venture. Maybe we could all help each other out, in some way or another. So, we'll see what happens.

Maybe I'm Damaged?

Juarez is visiting Iris again. I was supposed to have plans, too - but, um,  I'll be out of commission for about a week... So, I spent some time with my mother instead. One subject that was of high interest was my older sister, Gayle. She and her husband separated over the weekend.

It started almost two years ago. He had an affair with a woman from work and fell in love with her. Gayle found out and after everything was said and done, he got an apartment and moved out. I don't think he was out of the house more than a week before he came home crying to her. She let him move back in under several conditions.

One condition was that he allow her to check his phone usage, as she didn't really have any reason to trust him anymore. Of course there were other conditions, but this one is relevant to what I'm about to tell you.

Gayle could see in the cell phone bill that her husband was texting while at work, quite a bit. When she checked his phone, the messages had already been deleted. He was trying to hide it from her. She didn't even ask for an explanation, nothing he could have said would have made her trust him. So, she told him he had to move out.

She's open to the possibility of fixing the marriage and would like to go to counseling, but she doesn't want it to be easy for him - like it was last time. If he wants to work on their marriage, she wants him to do it because he loves her - not because it's easy or because it's best for the kids.

I think she's handling the situation very well.

The first time he fucked up, I was really upset about it. I had this ridiculous idea in my head that he was infallible, so when I found that he was unfaithful to my sister I was hurt. Not because he personally hurt me, but because what he did caused me to lose faith in men... no, in people. Really, I lost faith in humanity's ability to be good.

Now, before I start sounding like I don't believe in what I'm practicing (open marriage), I would just like to clarify. I don't have a problem with him fucking other women. I have a problem with him lying to my sister. I have a problem with him hurting my sister. I have a problem with him being a self-absorbed douche, who can't stop to consider how his piddly little actions might affect his family.


There's a point to all this. I promise!

I sometimes wonder what motivates me to want an open marriage. I don't want you to think that I'm doing this just because I'm damaged, but if I'm to be honest and realistic - that might have a bit to do with it.

While Juarez and I love each other, and never want to hurt each other; he's just a man, and I'm just a woman. We aren't perfect or infallible in any way. It would be naive for either of us to believe that the other couldn't be tempted enough to sleep with someone else.

Of course this isn't the only reason I want to be open, but it might be one of the more serious underlying motivators.

Another thing is that I just don't know if I believe in monogamy. I'll be happy to be in this arrangement as long as Juarez feels comfortable with it. :)

The Night After, The Night After

Okay, so it's been a couple days after my first encounter. I would have blogged earlier, but to me it was so... kiss and tell. I really didn't know what to say either, like... just didn't have the words at the time. Plus, I wanted to add my verbal "hot sauce" but it just wasn't coming to me.

Okay, so I think I've learned a lot after the first experience. I won't get into details on what happened, because that's not what is important. What is important is how I grew regarding the open marriage. Nobody died, nobody's heart was broken; before, during or after either of us going out. That, to me is what matters.

Another thing I believe is important is that we have a good time when we do go out. It is harder to swallow for me, if Bunny doesn't have a good time. It then, feels kind of wasted and that the other guy... benefited more from the experience. I believe there should be an even and mutual trade-off for everyone involved. It is kind of weird for me to think I'm involved with my wife hooking-up, but right now that's how I feel. Let me elaborate. If she's attracted to a dude, and I see a quality that to me is undesirable - I feel like maybe I have that quality about me. Maybe involved isn't the proper word, but I don't feel I should delete any part of this post - to maintain the integrity of the blog.

If she shows me a potential guy she might hook-up with - and I don't like his looks, I'll voice my opinion. Or if she tells me about some communication between her and a guy, I'll voice my opinion again, good or bad. For example, if I think a guy looks sleazy, I'll tell her. But it's just my opinion - if she's in the mood for a little sleaze, that's fine. Just, a shower needs to happen before I'm ready to interact. I don't want any left-over sleaze to contaminate me, you know what I'm saying?

That's it for today. Good night and good luck.

Juarez: Casual Encounter (Part 3)

Whew, he's okay! Lol. I feel retarded. I don't know why I was worried at all...

But, he's home now - showering. And it's all good. And I'm fine.

Juarez: Casual Encounter (Part 2)

He left around 7:30, she lives pretty close to here. It's now 11:04. I'm bored without him and a little worried. It's unrealistic, I know, but what if it's some crazy craigslist scam?! What if she's doing something fucked up to him?

I just hope he's okay. I don't want to rush him, because I want him to have fun... but I'm worried about him. :(

This is the weird part. I'm not jealous or anything, but I'm sitting here bored to death and concerned. Just waiting...

Juarez: Casual Encounter (Part 1)

Juarez is getting ready for his first hook-up since we've been married. He had sex with another girl while we were engaged (it was our first try for an open relationship, so he wasn't cheating), but this one is more real. The girl he fucked while we were engaged was an old fuck buddy of his, so it really wasn't new or exciting for him. This is different.

I'm pretty sure she responded to his post on craigslist. He showed me a couple of pictures, she's really cute. I think he'll have fun, and I'm super excited for him! I can tell he's kind of excited, though he doesn't want to come out and say it.

I'll probably jump back on after he comes home to update you all on how I react. I know it's been a bit hard for him, but I don't really know what to expect of myself! I think I'll be comfortable with it all, but who knows?..

Untitled

As I've gone totally encounter-less since we've re-entered our open marriage, it's gotten me to thinking "What am I doing wrong?" I used to have a fairly healthy sex life when I was single. Sex was something that required little effort - but I was younger, thinner and single.

I've pinpointed what I'm doing wrong is being lazy. I've not ventured out of the house, on the prowl. Something that is seeming more and more necessary by the day. I am much better looking in person than I am in a photograph on a computer screen.

Online vs. In Person

In a photo, I'm a "maybe/maybe not" kind of guy - you're just not getting the full experience. You're getting a sip, when in person you're getting the full drink. You get to see my size, my strength, the confidence I ooze. And yes, I ooze. I've been told I have a nice voice - rendered useless if I'm communicating by text/email/chat. Though, like Bunny blogged about prior, my balls are ten times bigger online than they are in person. Not to say I'm a little bitch whose balls shrink from grapes to raisins (no, that is not to scale) but various things come into play in person. I'm totally oblivious to women's advances.

Bunny has pointed out when women flirt with me after the fact, and I was totally clueless. So, I can't exactly throw game to a woman I'm not aware is flirting with or attracted to me. Plus, it's much easier to take rejection in the form of text than it is in person.

So I've come to the conclusion - while I do have a chance of hooking-up online, I have a much better chance hooking-up in person.

Lack of Approach

As I've become discouraged about my chances of hooking-up online, I've become more lazy with every email or message. I used to go from reading profiles, picking out what I want to comment about, add a dash of humor, flirt a little bit. Done. There was no wondering if she was going to reply, just when. And upon meeting, there was no wondering if we were going to have sex. Wasn't even a thought - it was just and always was DONE! All I needed was a sound clip of Gordon Ramsey, "Done." upon closing.

But now, it's fucking tragic. You think Titanic (the movie, not the actual event) was sad? That shit doesn't even compare to the "Hey, I'm Juarez. What's up?" shit I've put out there. What the fuck is that, bro? Or even " Lemme know." What, are you serious? Stop it, just stop it. I can't even take the time to type out "let me" - and that's supposed to get this woman to want to put my penis anywhere in or around her?

So, until I do get my ass out and about, I must refine my approach to what it used to be.

I in no way blame this on women not wanting to have relations with a married man, I've slept with women that were married or in very serious, very long-term relationships. So that's not it - it's just I am too fucking lazy to want to have sex.

So with that, I am done. Done with the laziness and done with the post.

Good Night and Good Luck.

-Juarez

Internet Gives You BALLS!

For a short time, I worked for one of the best wedding planners in my city. During that time, I helped her decorate for weddings. Her family is very involved in the business, so I am familiar with all of them; her husband and her two sons. Her husband has always been very friendly (normal friendly, not I-want-to-jump-your-bones "friendly") but her sons barely ever spoke to me.

Yesterday, I received a message on OKCupid.

Hey There

So, I'm into the 420 (I actually work in drug reform and legalization) and have been looking for a chill fuck buddy and you seem perfect!

Let me know if you're up for it.

Okay, that's cool - my profile is pretty cannabis friendly, so the fact that this guy works in drug reform and legalization is really interesting. After all, it's cool to connect with people you actually have something in common with. After reading the message, my eyes focus in on his picture - not bad; but why does he look so familiar?...

Further inspection of his profile and pictures quickly gave him away. He's my ex boss's son. My ex boss's son, who never really talked to me in real life - even though we spent hours working together. Wow. Interesting.

Umm... You're [wedding coordinator]'s son, right? I guess you don't remember me?  

While I waited for his response, Juarez and I laughed at the randomness and awkwardness of the situation.

Woah! I thought you looked slightly familiar! I have a pretty bad memory :-/

Well, haha, I hope this isn't too ridiculously awkward!

And before I could respond, he sent another message...

My original message still stands, by the way, haha, awkwardness or not.

Wow, I'm just astonished. This dude NEVER spoke to me, now he sees me online and his balls have dropped?! What the hell? As cool as he probably is, his profile states that he's 5'7 (and I think he was being a bit generous with himself, on that one) - and I'm 5'11. I have a serious distaste for fucking guys that are shorter than I am. Generally, it's a deal breaker. This time is not any different.

Hmm.. I don't know about the fuck buddy thing - I have a thing about guys being taller than me.. Hope that doesn't offend you, it's not meant to.

But if you wanna smoke, that'd be cool. I never would have guessed.. lol 

He hasn't responded, so maybe it did offend him.

Rules of Engagement

 I've done some research on open marriages... It seems that one of the most important elements in an open marriage is the rules. Here are ours (so far):

• Open communication
• Let the other know if you're going to play [Juarez adds, "This is more for me, I kind of need to get my mind right or find something to occupy myself so my thoughts aren't running wild.  This will likely be temporary."]
• Don't fall in love, or anything that even resembles feelings other than sex
• If one of us grows uncomfortable with a playmate, that playmate is done
• If a playmate expresses feelings beyond sex, that playmate is done
• Safe sex
• Intercourse always requires a condom
• Limit play to a couple times each week
• It can be the same person both times, or two different people one time each
• No fucking anyone we are already friends with
• No ex's
• Bunny can not bring men to the house (safety first) but girls are okay.
• Same applies for Juarez
• No actual sleeping with playmates

Right now, these are the things that are most important to us, but I'm sure that some of them will change. I think some things will become more or less important as we grow more familiar with our open marriage. If or when we decide to change things, we'll let you know. 

Ahhhh Fuck..

As compelled as I am to read the posts my wife has made, as of right now I don't believe that is a good idea. All I'm going to assume you know about me is that I'm in an open marriage. I think you need to know a little bit more about me; and I'm not talking about my life-story, because that really isn't the subject here.

Okay, so I'm "Juarez." Open marriage.

My wife asks why I want to be in an open marriage pretty often. And I really never give her an answer, I just give her short answers that really never answer the question. Let's see.. why do I want to be in an open marriage? Why not? There is so much we can learn about ourselves and each other. I thrive on emotion; good or bad - especially when the emotions are extreme.

The bad: it's still kind of hard when she goes out to play. I know she loves me and it's just sex but that's my wife. She means everything to me - she is my world. It's not even so much the sex that bothers me.. I just kind of build things up in my head - she is getting her world rocked, by what she see's as the perfect body, the perfect cock, the perfect lay. He's doing shit I don't know how to do, hitting spots I'm not physically capable of hitting, whatever. And this is all totally possible. She may very-well meet this guy and fuck him.

But it goes a little beyond that... it's a matter of ego. Not mine, but the other guys. I don't want my wife stroking anyone else's ego, but mine. Maybe that stems from my sexual past - sex was a total ego-boost for me. I wasn't derogatory toward the women or anything about it - it was all in my head. I just don't want a guy to feel like he has power over my wife, or me just because he got to roll around in bed with a married woman.

This totally makes zero sense, but whatever.

As far as her sleeping with other guys, that's totally fine. It's an awesome feeling that my wife can sleep with whomever she wants, but comes home to me. I'm not sure if that makes sense either. It does bother me a bit if she does perform oral-sex but I'm sure my tongue will be getting a workout or two. Gotta pay to play, I guess - and that's kind of the price.

All in all, I don't think it's all that bad. I do kind of freak-out a bit when she gets home, and get really emotional and kind of clam-up, but it's just my way of dealing with everything. The last time was easier to deal with than the first. I figure it will continue to get easier.

The good: The sex we have been having has been great. She told me that she realizes that she needs to be a little more active in bed. It is much appreciated, I love it.

Being able to have sex with whoever I want, is great as well. Even though I've yet to take advantage of the arrangement, the freedom to do so is great. It's also really awesome that we don't have to sneak around, or keep things from each other.

We are still young and kid-free, so... we have the freedom and are not responsible for anyone other than each other. I think this is the time to really have fun, with ourselves and with others.

I'm sure I sound... I dunno, new to all this. There might be a certain naivety/newness I'm going to laugh at when I read this in a year or two or ten from now. But today, I think this is going to be great for us, if for nothing else to have a little fun.

Extramarital and Marital Relations

Extramarital Relations

Almost two weeks ago, I had my first bout of extramarital relations. I'd just finished a fetish photo-shoot, and I was feeling randy. So, I text messaged Mitch (from OKC) to see if it would be a good time for him. It was, so about 20 minutes later I was at his apartment.

His apartment was impressive, I must say... Okay, well, his apartment building was impressive - his apartment was furnished just like any other 30 year old bachelor's. We talked for what seemed like a ridiculous amount of time, but eventually got to the point.

I'm not going to go in to detail, but I will say that the newness of it all was the best part. First kisses, learning each others sweet spots... I love that! All in all, it was a very good experience - I hope to spend more time with Mitch!

Marital Relations

When I got home from Mitch's, Juarez didn't seem to want anything to do with me. He would barely look at me and barely spoke to me. I was sad and confused; sad because he was sad, confused because he agreed to have an open relationship - so it kind of took me by surprise that he would be so depressed about it.

The next morning he told me that he was just jealous and that he would have to learn to get past it. Jealousy is natural, I may have issues with it once he hooks up, too. I told him that we didn't have to have an open marriage if he didn't want to, but he insisted that he does want it.

Today, I had another photo-shoot and video session. During the video session, which was for my webcam channel, I ended up blowing the photographer. It wasn't planned, it just happened to happen - and I figured it wouldn't be a problem, since we're open.

It was a problem. It still seems to be a problem. I don't blame my husband for being upset, I should have called him to make sure it was okay. Next time, I'll know. So, for now - I'm just hoping that Juarez will be okay, and know that I love him immensely.

Open Sesame

My husband and I decided to open our marriage. We tried it once before, but that was prior to actually being married - and each of us only had one experience. Mine was miserable.

I met him on OKCupid, he was a photographer and we seemed to have a lot in common. I wasn't particularly attracted to him, but I figured we'd get along quite well. I'm actually sure we would have made good friends, but I felt no attraction to him - at all. I think I was missing the point of what an open relationship could be.

Right after my experience, my husband (then fiance) decided that he didn't want to have an open relationship; so it ended. I never stopped wanting an open relationship, and made that pretty clear. We've gone back and fourth on the subject, talked about it, thought about it... now we're doing it. I'm excited, I wanted this; but at the same time, I can't help but be concerned that my husband is doing this solely because I wouldn't let it go. I just hope that he's really as okay with it as he says he is.