Maybe I'm Damaged?

Juarez is visiting Iris again. I was supposed to have plans, too - but, um,  I'll be out of commission for about a week... So, I spent some time with my mother instead. One subject that was of high interest was my older sister, Gayle. She and her husband separated over the weekend.

It started almost two years ago. He had an affair with a woman from work and fell in love with her. Gayle found out and after everything was said and done, he got an apartment and moved out. I don't think he was out of the house more than a week before he came home crying to her. She let him move back in under several conditions.

One condition was that he allow her to check his phone usage, as she didn't really have any reason to trust him anymore. Of course there were other conditions, but this one is relevant to what I'm about to tell you.

Gayle could see in the cell phone bill that her husband was texting while at work, quite a bit. When she checked his phone, the messages had already been deleted. He was trying to hide it from her. She didn't even ask for an explanation, nothing he could have said would have made her trust him. So, she told him he had to move out.

She's open to the possibility of fixing the marriage and would like to go to counseling, but she doesn't want it to be easy for him - like it was last time. If he wants to work on their marriage, she wants him to do it because he loves her - not because it's easy or because it's best for the kids.

I think she's handling the situation very well.

The first time he fucked up, I was really upset about it. I had this ridiculous idea in my head that he was infallible, so when I found that he was unfaithful to my sister I was hurt. Not because he personally hurt me, but because what he did caused me to lose faith in men... no, in people. Really, I lost faith in humanity's ability to be good.

Now, before I start sounding like I don't believe in what I'm practicing (open marriage), I would just like to clarify. I don't have a problem with him fucking other women. I have a problem with him lying to my sister. I have a problem with him hurting my sister. I have a problem with him being a self-absorbed douche, who can't stop to consider how his piddly little actions might affect his family.


There's a point to all this. I promise!

I sometimes wonder what motivates me to want an open marriage. I don't want you to think that I'm doing this just because I'm damaged, but if I'm to be honest and realistic - that might have a bit to do with it.

While Juarez and I love each other, and never want to hurt each other; he's just a man, and I'm just a woman. We aren't perfect or infallible in any way. It would be naive for either of us to believe that the other couldn't be tempted enough to sleep with someone else.

Of course this isn't the only reason I want to be open, but it might be one of the more serious underlying motivators.

Another thing is that I just don't know if I believe in monogamy. I'll be happy to be in this arrangement as long as Juarez feels comfortable with it. :)

The Night After, The Night After

Okay, so it's been a couple days after my first encounter. I would have blogged earlier, but to me it was so... kiss and tell. I really didn't know what to say either, like... just didn't have the words at the time. Plus, I wanted to add my verbal "hot sauce" but it just wasn't coming to me.

Okay, so I think I've learned a lot after the first experience. I won't get into details on what happened, because that's not what is important. What is important is how I grew regarding the open marriage. Nobody died, nobody's heart was broken; before, during or after either of us going out. That, to me is what matters.

Another thing I believe is important is that we have a good time when we do go out. It is harder to swallow for me, if Bunny doesn't have a good time. It then, feels kind of wasted and that the other guy... benefited more from the experience. I believe there should be an even and mutual trade-off for everyone involved. It is kind of weird for me to think I'm involved with my wife hooking-up, but right now that's how I feel. Let me elaborate. If she's attracted to a dude, and I see a quality that to me is undesirable - I feel like maybe I have that quality about me. Maybe involved isn't the proper word, but I don't feel I should delete any part of this post - to maintain the integrity of the blog.

If she shows me a potential guy she might hook-up with - and I don't like his looks, I'll voice my opinion. Or if she tells me about some communication between her and a guy, I'll voice my opinion again, good or bad. For example, if I think a guy looks sleazy, I'll tell her. But it's just my opinion - if she's in the mood for a little sleaze, that's fine. Just, a shower needs to happen before I'm ready to interact. I don't want any left-over sleaze to contaminate me, you know what I'm saying?

That's it for today. Good night and good luck.

Juarez: Casual Encounter (Part 3)

Whew, he's okay! Lol. I feel retarded. I don't know why I was worried at all...

But, he's home now - showering. And it's all good. And I'm fine.

Juarez: Casual Encounter (Part 2)

He left around 7:30, she lives pretty close to here. It's now 11:04. I'm bored without him and a little worried. It's unrealistic, I know, but what if it's some crazy craigslist scam?! What if she's doing something fucked up to him?

I just hope he's okay. I don't want to rush him, because I want him to have fun... but I'm worried about him. :(

This is the weird part. I'm not jealous or anything, but I'm sitting here bored to death and concerned. Just waiting...

Juarez: Casual Encounter (Part 1)

Juarez is getting ready for his first hook-up since we've been married. He had sex with another girl while we were engaged (it was our first try for an open relationship, so he wasn't cheating), but this one is more real. The girl he fucked while we were engaged was an old fuck buddy of his, so it really wasn't new or exciting for him. This is different.

I'm pretty sure she responded to his post on craigslist. He showed me a couple of pictures, she's really cute. I think he'll have fun, and I'm super excited for him! I can tell he's kind of excited, though he doesn't want to come out and say it.

I'll probably jump back on after he comes home to update you all on how I react. I know it's been a bit hard for him, but I don't really know what to expect of myself! I think I'll be comfortable with it all, but who knows?..