Update

I have no fucking clue what I want to do. I know what I want in life, which really doesn't have to do with this blog. It does conflict with the open marriage, however. At the same time, I had a lot of fun on the couple outings I had. Part of me (5%) wants to keep doing it, but that's not very much.

I did think that Bunny and I did kind of put it to the side, without really discussing it. Which really makes no sense, now that I'm reading it. Can't really make a decision without a discussion - especially one like this.

Eh, I have a ton more to say.. I just don't feel like it right now. I think I'm being too "real" to blog properly.

I Expected Weekly Rendezvous

Gosh, it's been awhile since I last posted. Really, the best reason I can give you for my absence is that I haven't done anything relating to our open marriage since seeing Dale. It's funny, I thought Juarez and I would each have weekly rendezvous with friends with benefits and casual sex partners that would somehow just ooze out of the woodwork. It's not turning out that way, though.

I'm not entirely sure how it's going for Juarez, he hasn't mentioned anyone new lately - and I'm not sure if he's still talking to Iris... But for me, it's like this: Someone finds me online (or I find them) and their pictures have me really wanting to meet them, their profile is pretty cool too. Then, they start talking - their desperation becomes all too evident and I lose all interest. This has happened with numerous guys who I probably would have loved to meet, if they hadn't ruined it for themselves (and me).

At this point, I'm only interested in my husband - and Mitch, but who knows if or when I'll see him again. And I don't have a whole lot of faith in OKC. It would be great if meeting people in person wasn't so difficult.

RE: Damaged

I mostly try not to read Bunny's posts - but this post kind of.. I dunno. I really don't know what to think of it.

I don't feel as if Bunny is damaged.. but no matter how well I feel I know her, she knows herself better. I just feel kind of concerned as she is saying this is possibly a serious underlying factor in why she wants to have an open marriage - and I never knew anything of the sort.

Moving on -- I don't want to dwell on things. I feel like I could just as easily be monogamous with Bunny as I could be in an open relationship. Well.. easier, really. As it is still a work-in-progress for me. Just kind of concerning.. I dunno. Whatever.

Dale was a Disappointment

I saw someone a few days ago. Saturday night, after I finished an 8 hour shift at work. My feet were dying. I really didn't even feel like it - but the guy was from Austin, and basically came to San Antonio just to see me. So, I dealt with it.

I think his name was Dale. Dale was a disappointment. I won't go into too much detail, but you should know that he was not very well endowed. After I'd become bored by his deficient attempts to pleasure me, I told him that my husband would be home soon; so I really had to leave. That wasn't quite true, but I felt that - in this situation - it would be nicer to lie than to tell the truth.

It was not a good experience.

So I've made myself a new rule. First meetings must be without expectations. If I am attracted to a person, it'll happen. If not, I have an easy out. 

Why I Love My Wife

Bunny will ask me every-now-and-then, "Why do you love me?" And I'll tell her most of the time, sometimes I just feel kind of lame rehashing the same tired lines I used before, or that are totally cliche -- whatever.

I love my wife for a lot of reasons, but mostly the way she makes me feel... it's incredible. I will try to describe it;

Nothing has every prepared me to feel the way I feel about my wife. Nothing. I haven't read it in literature, seen it in movies, heard it in music. And there are a million and one ways each of those mediums can describe the way love feels. And not that what my description is anything new, it's probably rehashed as well - but it's mine.

She makes me feel like I'm 10 feet tall. That I live in a world that others only hear or read about. A world that is above everybody else - a different planet. I walk down the isles of any store and I know I'm the luckiest motherfucker in the store - because I love and have the love of a beautiful and incredible woman. I would compare it to how it must feel to be a performer, after you've just finished a gig in front of an arena full of people. A small percentage of people ever get to feel that - I feel that only a small percentage of people will ever feel what we feel.

I know it's love because it's so much better than anything I ever heard about.

Okay; now time to tie this into the OM.

I still at times feel a little -- anxious when I know she's out. I try to distract myself from thinking about anything. But I've learned from the last time she was out -- just skip all the dramatics. In an hour or two you're going to be okie-dokie. I also focus on the things that the other guys don't get.

They don't sit in the restroom with her, while she's taking a bath. They don't sit nekkid on the couch and play videogames or watch netflix. They don't get hugs and kisses on demand... not that I demand them, but you know what I mean.

That's it.

I Never Expected This (This title is so misleading, but it was the first thing I could think of)

A couple weeks ago, I started a new job. It's going really well, but that isn't what this blog is about - however, to maintain the valuable element of surprise I'll start from the beginning.

I joined a retail team of 10 employees, of the 10 employees 3 were new hires (myself included). You know enough about me, the other new hires are Krystina and Josh. Krystina is outgoing, funny and cool. She's also married.  The first day, we went to lunch and shoe shopping together. We seem to click, and I feel like we'll quickly become friends. Josh really doesn't add anything to this story, so we'll leave him out of it.

Today, Krystina and I opened the store together. While working, she pointed out an attractive guy. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see his face, but she mentioned him again later - apparently he works in the suite next to ours. I guess she felt like I might assume things, so she let me know that she wasn't unfaithful to her husband. I jokingly responded that I wouldn't tell, and she told me that she and her husband have an arrangement. Obviously, I was curious, so I asked her about it. Krystina and her husband are open!!! I was visibly excited as I told her that Juarez and I had recently opened our marriage. She proceeded to tell me that she and Chris (her husband) have been open since May of this year, and that it's going well.

I never would have expected to find anyone like us, just randomly. Least of all in a tiny staff of 10 employees.

Crazy.

I'm hoping that we'll end up being good friends. I feel that it would be great to have a sort of support system, throughout this whole venture. Maybe we could all help each other out, in some way or another. So, we'll see what happens.

Maybe I'm Damaged?

Juarez is visiting Iris again. I was supposed to have plans, too - but, um,  I'll be out of commission for about a week... So, I spent some time with my mother instead. One subject that was of high interest was my older sister, Gayle. She and her husband separated over the weekend.

It started almost two years ago. He had an affair with a woman from work and fell in love with her. Gayle found out and after everything was said and done, he got an apartment and moved out. I don't think he was out of the house more than a week before he came home crying to her. She let him move back in under several conditions.

One condition was that he allow her to check his phone usage, as she didn't really have any reason to trust him anymore. Of course there were other conditions, but this one is relevant to what I'm about to tell you.

Gayle could see in the cell phone bill that her husband was texting while at work, quite a bit. When she checked his phone, the messages had already been deleted. He was trying to hide it from her. She didn't even ask for an explanation, nothing he could have said would have made her trust him. So, she told him he had to move out.

She's open to the possibility of fixing the marriage and would like to go to counseling, but she doesn't want it to be easy for him - like it was last time. If he wants to work on their marriage, she wants him to do it because he loves her - not because it's easy or because it's best for the kids.

I think she's handling the situation very well.

The first time he fucked up, I was really upset about it. I had this ridiculous idea in my head that he was infallible, so when I found that he was unfaithful to my sister I was hurt. Not because he personally hurt me, but because what he did caused me to lose faith in men... no, in people. Really, I lost faith in humanity's ability to be good.

Now, before I start sounding like I don't believe in what I'm practicing (open marriage), I would just like to clarify. I don't have a problem with him fucking other women. I have a problem with him lying to my sister. I have a problem with him hurting my sister. I have a problem with him being a self-absorbed douche, who can't stop to consider how his piddly little actions might affect his family.


There's a point to all this. I promise!

I sometimes wonder what motivates me to want an open marriage. I don't want you to think that I'm doing this just because I'm damaged, but if I'm to be honest and realistic - that might have a bit to do with it.

While Juarez and I love each other, and never want to hurt each other; he's just a man, and I'm just a woman. We aren't perfect or infallible in any way. It would be naive for either of us to believe that the other couldn't be tempted enough to sleep with someone else.

Of course this isn't the only reason I want to be open, but it might be one of the more serious underlying motivators.

Another thing is that I just don't know if I believe in monogamy. I'll be happy to be in this arrangement as long as Juarez feels comfortable with it. :)