Maybe I'm Damaged?

Juarez is visiting Iris again. I was supposed to have plans, too - but, um,  I'll be out of commission for about a week... So, I spent some time with my mother instead. One subject that was of high interest was my older sister, Gayle. She and her husband separated over the weekend.

It started almost two years ago. He had an affair with a woman from work and fell in love with her. Gayle found out and after everything was said and done, he got an apartment and moved out. I don't think he was out of the house more than a week before he came home crying to her. She let him move back in under several conditions.

One condition was that he allow her to check his phone usage, as she didn't really have any reason to trust him anymore. Of course there were other conditions, but this one is relevant to what I'm about to tell you.

Gayle could see in the cell phone bill that her husband was texting while at work, quite a bit. When she checked his phone, the messages had already been deleted. He was trying to hide it from her. She didn't even ask for an explanation, nothing he could have said would have made her trust him. So, she told him he had to move out.

She's open to the possibility of fixing the marriage and would like to go to counseling, but she doesn't want it to be easy for him - like it was last time. If he wants to work on their marriage, she wants him to do it because he loves her - not because it's easy or because it's best for the kids.

I think she's handling the situation very well.

The first time he fucked up, I was really upset about it. I had this ridiculous idea in my head that he was infallible, so when I found that he was unfaithful to my sister I was hurt. Not because he personally hurt me, but because what he did caused me to lose faith in men... no, in people. Really, I lost faith in humanity's ability to be good.

Now, before I start sounding like I don't believe in what I'm practicing (open marriage), I would just like to clarify. I don't have a problem with him fucking other women. I have a problem with him lying to my sister. I have a problem with him hurting my sister. I have a problem with him being a self-absorbed douche, who can't stop to consider how his piddly little actions might affect his family.


There's a point to all this. I promise!

I sometimes wonder what motivates me to want an open marriage. I don't want you to think that I'm doing this just because I'm damaged, but if I'm to be honest and realistic - that might have a bit to do with it.

While Juarez and I love each other, and never want to hurt each other; he's just a man, and I'm just a woman. We aren't perfect or infallible in any way. It would be naive for either of us to believe that the other couldn't be tempted enough to sleep with someone else.

Of course this isn't the only reason I want to be open, but it might be one of the more serious underlying motivators.

Another thing is that I just don't know if I believe in monogamy. I'll be happy to be in this arrangement as long as Juarez feels comfortable with it. :)